Why do I forego writing when I know how much pleasure and relief it brings me? It could be a multitude of things, but mainly it’s myself. Not because I have any doubts about my talent! I’ve always been extremely comfortable and confident in my various works. Take my fic writing, for example, I rarely ever would have my chapters proofread by a beta reader. And if I did have it read over, it was because my Mom was being kind enough to indulge me by helping out. Fanfiction “wasn’t really her thing” I remember her saying, which is extremely fair when you’re writing about a niche topic.
People always say “Carolyn, you should publish your fanfiction stories,” and the problem with that is that they’re all too closely tied to the true storylines, and the characters are too driven by those plot points to change them. It’s frustrating! Because I’ve spent my life working on the pieces. A work-in-progress fanfic I have right now on Archive of Our Own is at 73,641 words and it’s nowhere near being completed. I haven’t worked on that story in a long ass time, but I’ve spent a ton of time and energy into making it. I would say “I wish I would have applied myself to original ideas better in the past,” but honestly what’s the point? Nothing’s going to change the fact that I am where I am in my life, and when it comes to writing. I have to own up to the fact that I’m the one who’s been in my way this entire time. Not life, not obligations- Me.
I need to seize the words that are bubbling up in my brain and spilling out through my fingertips. I miss the flowing stream of consciousness that comes with writing. I miss the thrill of opening up a brand new document, or looking at a blank page in one of my hundreds (literally) of notebooks. I’ve been feeling hopeless, a bit, when it comes to my career, and it’s daunting to realize that it’s time to buckle down and find something new that will suit you just as well as before. But where I’ll be leaving, I simply cannot stay. It’s for a deluge of reasons, all of which I won’t bore you with, and yet the fact of the matter remains. I have to try something new.
So, I’ve returned to you, dear, darling readers of mine. Old or new, I don’t know, and frankly I don’t need to know! If you’re here, then, it means that I will continue doing this for the rest of my life. We’re only here for a finite amount of minutes. That was made abundantly clear to me the day my Mother died. To this moment, I still can hardly comprehend the devastation of that dreadful spring day. The pandemic had just started, and seeing my sister afterwards was out of the question because she was pregnant and living in Germany. It was an absolute nightmare.
The year 2020 was a living nightmare for all of us. And it feels good to acknowledge it, because things move so fast these days, it’s easy for some to forget the pain and devastation that spread so quickly. It makes me feel a little less mental to have others confront this pain alongside me. Here’s hoping humanity bands together a bit better in the future in terms of inclusion for all.
Lots of people seem to be left behind, or forgotten entirely. But, each one of us has a voice, and I feel inclined to use mine. I can’t say that I’m not, in part, inspired by myself. Remember what I’d said earlier, about myself not being modest? Well, it’s true! And it’s wondrous when your own mind can draw up those thoughts and inspirations at the drop of a dime! It’s truly incredible, and I lament the time I’ve lost having not been writing. It’s just a damn shame. No matter, it’s all in the past. That’s the age-old thing! To dwell on the past, or to move on and forward. Push forward, more like.
I’m choosing to barge ahead and prove to my younger self that it is possible to become a professional writer. As I mentioned, I’m the only one standing in my way. It’s time I barge through the barrier of my own making, and work continuously until I reach my goals. And, yes, I mean all of my goals. It seems daunting but doubt cannot be a factor here. So, it won’t be! I’m willing for doubt to not be a factor in my endeavor! Please, for goodness’ sake, let it not be a factor in my endeavor. 🤞