Feeling Aimless in 2022

All my life I’ve been a writer. Or, I’ve been writing. Growing up, I would scribble squiggly lines on paper as soon as I could hold a pen while making up stories in my head. That shifted into me making up stories throughout my life. Nowadays I’ve been trying to find my writing groove, again, but it’s more difficult now than when I was younger.

I started creative writing immediately, you could say that it’s always been in my blood and bones. My great great Grandfather was an author, and my Grandfather was an ad writer, and my mom was just all-around brilliant when it came to writing and editing. She was a teacher and my best friend, she always pushed me to choose a career in writing.

And when I first began writing stories they were mostly heavily inspired by shows or movies I was into at the time. So, my enjoyment of those types of media has always played a huge role in my writing. It has always kind of been sandwiched by that, you could say. I had works inspired by media in elementary school, then in middle/high school mostly worked on character building and original ideas, and then went full into fanfiction in my twenties. While still in school, I was also a strong essay writer, always amusing my teachers with my use of “voice”.

I stopped working on original storylines in my early/mid-twenties, and since then have focused mostly on fun fanfiction where I don’t have to worry about pesky world building and character creation. But, looking back on when I was always writing new ideas, I remember feeling a lot less critical of my work. I just wrote whatever the fuck I felt like. And most often it was really really messed up. I had a lot of abuse and violence as a running theme in a ton of my work, all of which is unpublished. In fact, as of when I’m writing this, I don’t have anything that’s published. I intend to change that.

It’s something that has held me back because I think to myself “Are having these themes problematic? Does it make me problematic?” as a result of the constant ridicule I see of creators on a near daily basis. I wonder what my peers in high school thought of me when they read my stories back then. And I become emotional thinking about myself then, and how hopeful I was about becoming a writer. I wanted it so badly. I still want it with every cell in my body.

But, it was awesome, I had a whole universe set up that started as some intense real-world story about two intertwined characters. Then, in the following books an entire fantastical mythology would unfold with them as a part of it. It was beautiful. If you haven’t been able to tell, I’ve never been one for modesty. Of course, that’s when life got in the way. I just didn’t have the focus or drive anymore to make the time to actually sit down and storyboard or write.

Just over a year ago or so I was diagnosed with ADHD and suddenly it all made sense why I could never make writing prose work for me. And it’s taken a while for me to accept that and reshape the way that I think about writing. Not to say that I’ll never return to writing prose! Just that I’ve had to re-find my voice and learn that maybe I have something to say, instead of stories to tell. It sounds a little silly writing it out like this, but I’m pattin’ myself on the back for it because it’s taken me a long time to arrive here at this point in my life. It feels good! It feels really fucking incredible.

Writing for and posting on fanfic sites is rewarding because of reader engagement, but in the words of Ariel from “The Little Mermaid”, “I want more!” Especially in the world we live in, where things are increasingly looking more bleak by the second, I’m looking for an escape. Writing has always been my escape.

So, I’d be honored if you’d join me on my journey of re-finding my voice! I’m ecstatic to take my first steps into making writing more than just a dream in my head. I want it to be real. I know it’s what my darling Mother would have wanted for me, and I want to honor her memory by pursuing this as something to share with others. I’m actively pushing my doubt and judgements aside to embrace this new chapter in my life, cheesy as that is, and, GOD, is it ever. But, fuck it! Fuck it.

Stick around for more of my life story and what’s bouncin’ around in my noggin, as well as TV/film media and game reviews and stuff that I like. Maybe I’ll actually do some relevant reviews, maybe not… We’ll see, won’t we? 😉

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: